lover’s revenge.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: adultery, affair, anger, associations, cheating, comparisons, demons, frustration, infidelity, life, love, mistress, other woman, OW, pain, personal, revenge, strength, therapy, thoughts, wife
Comments (3) so i still read the blogs… but i obviously do not write as much… partly because i have less to say… and partly because ive hit a point where if i continue to constantly write i find it keeps me stuck. as if i were in a big jeep stuck in a foot of mud trying to rock out of a big mess.
i find it hard to read some of the blogs out there… some of the comments. all of what they say is so valid. so real to me. i remember feeling the need to write constantly i think that is super healthy. i just wish i could reassure everyone that has fresh wounds that it will get better. its definitely not 100% even 1 year and 7 days short of of 4 months (but who is counting?)… but i promise, it gets better.
blogging has helped so much… ive met a lot of great “blog pals”- many who have helped me more than any of my “real-life” friends. what is funny is that i still have the exact same questions i had when i started blogging… i still don’t know exactly what happened between R and that “other” OW (lol, thats kind of funny to write)… i still dont have my answers i wanted from him. i still dont fully understand what i meant to him after how poorly he treated me in the end. i dont know what our affair really meant to him or if he was getting off by manipulating me just like he did his wife. and lord knows ill never know what goes on in his house… if he is truly happy now or just putting on a great show. but im more at ease with having those questions because i know they will never be answered.
what blogging did was help ME (aka. numero uno)… help me understand myself… and desensitize from the pain of one very big fucked up situation… my blog friends have helped to give me SO much insight… but they gave me no solid conclusions about R himself… but how could they. while all affairs are so similar… there is a human aspect that makes them different.
ive gotten to a point where i am truly over R… i see pictures of him and genuinely do not think he is good looking anymore. i think he looks older… aged. kind of whimpy looking, actually… chunky… not the stud i thought he was. definitely not the “superhero” i nicknamed him in emails… its the situation of how he treated me that im not over… the “happy life” he has when his wife knows just the tip of the iceberg that im not over…
i find all of us who have been in an affair (OW, MM, etc) fret over our ex’s… what are they doing? why didnt they pick me? what if it had happened this way or that way? why didn’t they get a divorce? why aren’t they “getting theirs” for doing what they did? how could those words they said not have meaning anymore?
but id like to propose the idea…
so what if… today, tomorrow, or a few years down the road you found out that your ex got a divorce? then how would you feel? would you want them back? would you reach out to them? would you jump for joy?
another great question to consider even more is what if R got a divorce when our affair hit the fan and then had no interest in being with me? because he was now “free”… or even worse, he got a divorce and i ended up with him… and i was the one he cheated on a few years from now?
part of my point here is that many of us (me included!) continue to dwell on people or situations we would not want to be part of again… i think we should all try to figure out what it is that makes us do that. what it is that we are truly searching for.
i think its funny that i even give R the place in my thoughts because i know if he showed up at my door i wouldnt take him back (yes, TV… i really wouldnt.) if we had just broken up under “simple” circumstances… i would have. i did twice during our affair. even if we had broken up because he was exposed like we were and he ran to the comfort of his house… and there were no lies or manipulation and throwing me under the bus… and he realized he wanted to be with me and not her… i may have considered taking him back. but you know what? thats not what happened. i truly have never been treated so horribly by one person than i was by R. and remember, i work with sometimes very disrespectful teenagers on a daily basis! a friend of mine (hi ruby!) pointed out the other day how being in an affair is so consuming of your life. and while i still have anxiety over the fallout… i have to remind myself that being in the affair was even more anxiety filled. when he’d leave… knowing his phone might ring and he’d have to rush out… sneaking around. helping him cover. waiting… and waiting… for… that… one… phone… call… or… email… that… was… never… as… long… or… detailed… as… i… had… hoped… it… would… be… as… i… sat… and… waited.
id also like to propose the idea to a lot of you out there who seek punishment for your ex like i do… perhaps remaining married IS the punishment. pretending you buy into god, smiling in a family picture, fucking someone who you doesn’t do it for you but your stuck with (when you know there is a lot better piece out there!), being on a rotational schedule for baths and bedtimes for your kids, feeling the obligation to tell your family and friends how much “fun” you had on vacation, checking that “secret” email to see if your ex wrote or still “wants you” even though you treated them like shit, bullshitting to a therapist and writing a 100 check on a bi-weekly basis to “prove” you are trying to be part of your marriage, pouring your money into a fix-er-up home that you are supposed to share with them for the rest of your life… is digging a much bigger grave for your ex than being in an affair does or ever did. and i bet it carries a lot more weight, too.
one of the main lessons ive learned from all of this is that… my… affair… is… over. and has been since the whole thing started.
and an even better lesson is that im so much better off without R around.
2010
its funny how recovery from an affair goes in phases… months pass where you feel pretty great- and then something hits you like a slap in the face and you get knocked backwards and feel your pain, your anger, your sadness, your panic all over again. this is how i have been the past few weeks… im sure the holidays dont help. as much as i hate to be cliche and talk about the new year, i cant help but think about this past year and where the next one is going. i created this blog a year ago and have written over 55 posts about my affair and my struggles… all of which i feel were beneficial to me and to many readers. ive had a lot of great conversations and have found a lot of support from people all over the country and the world- for that i am totally grateful. however, im not happy that my affair and R still consume moments of my life.
recently i noticed the “top 25 most played” songs on my itunes playlist… angry relationships songs fill the list- from taylor swifts “should have said no” to “best days of your life” by kellie pickler and even includes the fleetwood mac classic “silver springs”… if i didnt know this was my own playlist id call whoever it was pathetic! although, i still do love all those songs- i just dont want my top 25 played to be those that reflect a sad, stressful time period in my life… so i look forward to moving away from those little reminds, like songs, TV shows, places, that still hold me back. although, in my defense- none of these things trigger feelings like they used to.
i was watching a TV show last night- i wont go into the details or plot- but one character scolded another for continuing to play the victim. and i realized thats what im doing… im still blaming R for being an ass, a liar, a manipulator… and, although he is all of these things and more, i cant keep letting him influence my life. he had his shot at influencing my life- he had his fun- his games- his lies- and messing with my mind and emotions. all grand illusions i had of him were destroyed by the way our affairs ended… i know hes not a great guy… and i need to do the same thing to him that i do with all other not-so-great people in my life- forget they exist… forget they ever meant anything.
im getting to the point where im starting to feel that even giving my affair recognition, even though its over, is still keeping me in it. there is a moment that many of us who have been in affairs express a sigh of relief because we realize that despite how great our affair may have felt, being out of it brings great relief in many ways. i have experienced this sigh- but im not fully enjoying it by doing things that still keep me feeling like im in an affair. in other words, R used to enjoy when id get jealous over his wife- it was a sign of care to him.. a sign of my dedication. but i realized that im still doing those things he wanted me to do despite the fact that im no longer with him! in other words, when i check facebook or do some other thing that allows me to see what him or his wife are up to im just continuing a cycle he created… im still playing into the games he created. this is not healthy for me… and it shows he still has control over me.
someone has recently reminded me of how much more i still have going for me… how im still young with lots of options and roads ahead… R is 8 years older, his wife is 9 years older… they have a kid… their obligations… and while they made the choice to stay together- it doesnt mean their life is perfect… they are closer to the grave than i am and chances are, more miserable than i will be at their age and in their position in life. and part of that is because i have my affair to thank for teaching me some lessons on what a marriage should really be.
ive consciously been trying to figure out my game plan for the year ahead to cut all ties with the past when it comes to my affair. let me make it clear though- the goal is not to suppress my emotions- i know thats not healthy. its just to acknowledge them and move on… for example, ive recently (as cheesy as it is) started to say to myself “he cant have this moment” whenever thoughts of R creep up… ive also decided i may download the facebook app for my phone so i change my habit of being on my computer- surfing facebook and wasting time- to getting alerts but not really dwelling or searching for things that i dont really need to know about or see.
2009 was a super great year in many ways for me… i got a super awesome job and a wonderful house… but i look forward to the year ahead where i can hopefully truly rid myself of some of the demons that still exist in my heart and mind…
wishing all of my blog pals nothing but a wonderful holiday season and a fantastic 2010!
how many is too many?
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: adultery, affair, anger, barbara walters, cheating, cliches, demons, elin woods, frustration, infidelity, jealousy, lies, Mark Sanford, mistress, other woman, OW, pain, personal, thoughts, tiger woods
Comments (7) i have to mention it… although is SO cliche in the world of affairs… tiger woods.
i dont even really follow the reports but i am well aware that women are coming out of the woodwork claiming to have had some intimate moments with mr. wood… errr… i mean woods (im sorry- i couldnt resist the pun). ive been annoyed by lots of it- i dont think that the few mistresses that have apologized publicly should have- its not their apology and ive made my feelings on that clear in other posts. ive been annoyed over the fact that its impacted his job (because it shouldnt despite being a major mistake in his life… i suppose my opinion may be rooted in my deep seeded love of bill clinton). but of course, im sure that public apology was one of their few moments in their 15 mins of fame.
but what this all boils down to is… how many is TOO many? too many to ruin a marriage completely? to file for divorce? to kill someone’s career?
this topic is near and dear to my heart… because, as ive written about many times before, i wasnt Rs first extramarital activity. i was the second that his wife found out about (but of course “it wasnt sexual” either time)… and i was actually the fourth that im aware of despite her ignorance. we wont dwell on the fact of how stupid i was to oblige in the activities despite knowing where his disco stick had been. anyways- my point here is how much does it take for a wife to leave? look at jenny sanford (kudos to her for getting the prestige honor of being on barbara walter’s most fascinating list) who said enough was enough after the first indiscretion (that she was aware of). i think there are many marriages that can “survive” after one affair… i look at my pal, TV explorer, and can see how hard he really is trying to be a one woman man… i also believe that R’s wife had this hope the first time they entered counseling (way before me)… but come on- how many times can you say “its ok”??? if elin woods doesnt leave, then she is a bigger idiot than tiger.
much of this bothers me even more lately because i know R and his wife’s anniversary is coming up here in the next few weeks… and she seems happy as can be on her facebook page, etc. even planning her anniversary… celebrating the so many years they have been together… but seriously… i did the math- i think he may have been faithful for one calendar year of those seven… my good pal, ruby, pointed out how i shouldnt spend my time worrying or thinking about them- and while she’s right- there are many reasons this whole situation gets me heated… i just dont know which one it is really bothers me… im definitely annoyed by the fact that he has cheated on her so much and she hasnt left his sorry ass… it makes me think nasty little comments in my head that i feel like sending anonymously like “oh yea, 7 years? how many of them was he faithful”… or “hey! thats kind of a number thats close to the number of women he’s slept with during your marriage”… AND they havent even hit the “seven year ache” that rosanne cash once sang so well about. i think this situation also annoys the hell out of me because im totally envious- not of her and him- she can have him… im envious of the fact that she can put on a happy face and move on when i continue to be haunted and cant truly move past all of this…
the other question i want to pose is what number of affairs makes the terminology shift from “indiscretions” to “mental disorder”…
i believe there are many reasons both men and women seek something outside their “legitimate” relationships… needs that need to be met, problems with communications, the need to feel like your still hot stuff, etc. but how many indiscretions and attempts and rebuilding your marriage does it take to deem the situation a mental disorder for the perpetrator? this thought has been lingering in my head lately because my psychology students are working on their mental disorder projects… so ive been immersed in personality disorder symptoms. i think about how R once told me that when him and his wife first went to counseling he “snowballed” the counselor and his wife so they got to the point where they no longer had to go… he knew what he was doing… he wasnt making an attempt to fix the marriage… but trying to get out of the counseling… this screams sociopathic behavior. same thing goes for tiger woods… while your uptight conservative god fearing type will tell you its not normal to have an affair ever… this lady who has been involved in one affair will tell you its NOT normal to have affair after affair… something is definitely wrong if thats the case… freud would argue something happened to you in your childhood… and id argue that you have some sort of personality disorder.
so what is it? whats the number that kills a marriage forever despite the fact a couple may stay together? whats the number that classifies you mentally unstable? and, most importantly to my life, is it really possible R and his wife could be truly happy… truly alive after multiple affairs on his part?
although, i think all of us who are “sane” about our past affairs will tell you… even just one will create some insanity in your life.
columbus day weekend part two.
i know its taken a lot longer than both i and my faithful readers expected… but here is my follow up to my initial columbus day weekend post. part of me resisted writing because i didnt know how to write it all down- and i dont believe i still do. be forewarned- the post is kind of cheesy, actually. another part resisted because i felt like i should conclude my blog… but now i realize i still have more to say… maybe less in post form, but definitely still more in comment form. so here it goes… my 2nd part of my columbus day weekend blog… basically, the things i have learned from this process of getting over my affair.
recovery is a bitch... and a tease while she is at it. you cant press “erase” after an affair… although, i have to admit that i think i would if given the choice… the pain of getting over the affair far outweighs any sense of something great from the affair. in fact, a few weeks ago i was teaching memory in my psych classes and we watched a documentary that discussed a guy waking up not even knowing who he was- having to be told his identity, etc. while i would never want my memory totally erased, i was somewhat jealous of this man that he got a “fresh” start in some regards. i cant believe im heading into my second christmas season without R and i still havent gotten over him or the situation. and the tease part is just when you think you have made leaps and bounds something happens that kicks your ass backwards. like hearing something about the ex… stumbling across information… finding an old email or trinket… i will admit, ive made a lot of recovery- but nearly not enough… and believe me, ive tried. i wish i could find a way to stop any form of dwelling.
reclaim yourself. you just have to keep moving… find new interests… remember who you were, are, and can be. i look back on who i was and know i gave up a lot of myself for my affair. you have to do what you love and you cant let the fact that you had an affair, or that you got in some sort of pattern, stop that. you also cant hold back from doing things because your affair may haunt you or youre afraid you may run into that dreaded ex. i used to worry about going to certain places because id run into R… or even worse- his wife. but i cant stop living because i made an (extended) bad choice. i have definitely fulfilled some of my goals i wrote about before- i have had such fun working on my house… every day im becoming a better teacher… in fact, i am slated to be trained this summer to become an adjunct professor. and ive tried to find new interests. i dont know if ive ever mentioned this before- but im a vegetarian and started up a blog based on that interest a few months ago and have been enjoying that.
ill never be able to understand… or tell him what im thinking. one thing all these blogs on affairs have in common (regardless of perspective) is that there is frustration over the fact that we, as individuals, just are not understood… and not only are we not understood, we dont understand how we could have been treated the way we were. we have to learn to accept, no matter how hard it is, that we will never have the answers to our questions. as you know, i had my little email exchanged at the end of the summer with R. well, i didnt write about this- but i, after a little too much wine, emailed R again in september… i honestly dont remember the details of my emails really (nor do i want to go back and reread)- just that i kind of lambasted him ive emailed R… i know that, in the back of my head, i emailed R to see if he would respond because i rationalize the fact that IF he is checking his “secret” email account he must not be happy in his marriage… and maybe he is even thinking of me… anyway, he responded pretty promptly… and i had my ultimate proof that he didnt get it… here i had emailed him and given him a hard time… and his response?! was about how much my emails over the past few months had meant to him… how much i had meant to him, etc. WHAT?! how much MY EMAILS MEANT TO HIM? seriously? i couldnt help but respond and say how ironic it was that i was still doing things that meant something to him- and how he had not said one thing that made me feel better… that he hadnt answered my questions, etc.
facebook is the devil. technology… grrr… i mentioned it a long time ago- but i dont think i would have been able to have an affair without technology. and i dont get how people ever did! but ive found technology- specifically things like facebook (or email as ive mentioned above) as something that has kept me from getting over the affair. you can say “why do you check his wife’s facebook picture” then? all you want- but you and i both know curiosity is a killer. the worst was an email recently where his wife actually looked good… and they were pictured together- looking all sweet. these are the moments that i have to remind myself that things can be deceptive… that there is a reason its always just a headshot of them- because she doesnt look great from the shoulders down… i also have to remind myself to look at R in the pictures- for some reason im always preoccupied with how his wife, “the one who got the asshole,” looks… but you know what? R has definitely gained weight and also looks older. and, most importantly, ive also had to remind myself to stop being concerned… its too much time im wasting on them. again, things can be deceptive- im sure if we look at pictures of elin and tiger woods 2 weeks ago we would find they looked just peachy. but the truth behind those great pictures is something was going on behind the scenes. Rs wife can post as many cute pictures of them as she wants- but i know he has cheated on her multiple times… and maybe she is looking better- but if he once lost his attraction for her i dont know if its possible for him to get it back.
laugh at yourself… and others while youre at it. youre going to do stupid things (look at what i do on facebook above!)… a memory may make you cry… but you know what? youre being ridiculous… youre wasting life. you have to laugh at yourself and move on from the moment. and you have to surround yourself with friends and family who make you laugh- because laughing makes us feel good- and reminds us of the good things.
put life into perspective. yea, 2.5 years was a long time… but my life expectancy is a lot more than that. i still have a lot of stuff ahead of me to be able to enjoy. i also have a lot of great people and things in my life that i need to embrace.
look on the bright side. so cliche, i know. but this affair has brought some good things to my life… ive heard a lot of great stories in my comments or other blogs that have made me feel better or inspired me. so im really grateful for those people who interact on this page… im uber grateful for TV and ruby who have definitely been rocks for me and have listened to my neuroses time and time again. im also really grateful for my 2 friends who know about the affair and that have also listened to me… and im so glad i found the therapist i did. while i no longer see her, its nice to know i have someone i can talk to if i ever need that type of support again. in fact, instead of spending my columbus day weekend sulking in the memory of a lost affair… i packed my weekend with great things… i even threw a party for a friend at my house. i also did something that i thought was really important- i sent thank you cards to my 2 friends and my therapist to thank them for all they did for me. because, at this point, its all about being thankful that you survived the meltdown, right? its only up from here… even if you get stuck on the way.
TV isn’t the only one who is haunted…
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: adultery, affair, anger, demons, frustration, infidelity, jealousy, mistress, other woman, OW, pain, thoughts
Comments (15) so im going to piggy-back off of my good pal TV’s recent post that had an eeeeeeeriey halloween theme to it. him and i often exchange our thoughts about how our affairs continue to “haunt” us no matter how much progress we have made.
well, my affair haunted me in the form of my dreams last night… as with most dreams, i dont remember enough details to share the context of the dreams… i just know i had multiple dreams (or shall i say nightmares) about R… but mainly about his wife. and i know every time i woke up between them i was bothered. i know one of the dreams involved her coming across my blog… and another one where i was digging around her work and came across a photo album of pictures of her.
now im not going to get all freudian… he would say that the manifest content (the stuff about Rs wife- the things i actually saw in the dream) that i saw has deep latent (concealed) meanings. im just going to take the manifest content for what it is…
im pretty confident that i dreamt about digging around her work because i still havent been able to let go of checking in on her facebook picture, etc. when the fact is i really want to- i just have developed a habit so strong. this dream was my inner demons fighting over the issue at hand.
i think that i dreamt about her finding my blog because i often wonder if she also checks my facebook page… sadly, when i change my facebook picture i keep that in mind- that she might… although i know im over thinking it. i also think, while i dont remember R being in this dream, its my way of also wondering if R still does his homework on me like i have for him.
i also believe that both of these “type” of feelings come from the same source… im still in that phase (although less strong than months ago) where i want to be sure that THEY are miserable… and R (and apparently his wife whether its fair or not) still spend time checking in on ME.. that im not the only pathetic loser who is still caught up in this stuff… that im still not the only one who checks in when i can or digs for information here or there… that perhaps R has figured out that i moved… etc. why do i want this? im not quite sure… but i think its a way of me knowing im right- that they are in fact, miserable, like i suspect… and if R cares enough to still do his research on me it proves that he cared in some capacity despite the horrible way the affair ended.
as i reread this post for content i realize how screwy-louis it all sounds… but you know what? its a perfect example of how affair will haunt you whether its halloween season or not. its totally frustrating to want to move in one direction but feel “ghosts” pulling your thoughts in another.
columbus day weekend part one…
a year ago… on this very night… my life appeared to come to a sudden halt. R, the man i loved so much, had been discovered. i couldnt figured out how to go about writing a post for this weekend… a very large part of me didnt want to write anything at all. but another part of me was screaming to do so… for the fact that i cant just quit my blog… for the fact that i need to remind myself of the past to realize how great i have it now. so thats the point of this post and the next one. today im going to kind of “relive” what happened last year… its not that im dwelling on it or am in pain over it… but its a way for me to reconnect with the desperation and pain i felt. at the end of this long weekend i plan to sit down and write an “after” version.
this day last year was a lot like many other fridays after work… i had a happy hour engagement… but of course, i ran home to rendezvous with R. we were only able to hang out… briefly. it seemed like he was a little distant but i didnt think much about it because weekends were sometimes like that. those of you who have been in affairs know what im talking about when it comes to weekends. any way, he hugged me, kissed me sweetly, told me he loved me, and said he’d see me after the long weekend. i met my friends for happy hour and enjoyed myself. R and i exchanged some texts… he said he had friends over watching a hockey game on TV. we exchanged a few more texts- i said i was heading home… he told me he loved me and i said “i love you, too” (the best words i ever texted- because when his wife found the message later he couldnt turn it around on me… the “too” implied he had initiated).
i went to bed kind of annoyed because i hadnt gotten a goodnight text like i usually did. then i woke up at 2 am-ish… still no text… so i sent him a text saying how i was disappointed, how he expected me to text him at certain moments and i didnt get the same from him. i rolled over, annoyed. in the morning i woke up to a text message from his email account that said “something has happened- do not text me. ill contact you soon.” the next few weeks were misery… a long, slow, painful process. torture. pure torture. pretending i was happy when all i wanted to do was lay in a ball most of the time. my stomach was out of control with nervousness and anxiety… while at the same time, i was trying to hold myself together because i had to chaperone a homecoming football game and dance at my new teaching job. some point during the day, R got out of his wifes watchful eye and he called me… i vaguely remember the conversation but i do remember him explaining how she read a text i sent… how she threw his phone against the wall… how him and i had to stop what we were doing. i know i reacted with shock… anger… you see, i was caught once too- my boyfriends cousin actually spotted R and i kissing in a parking lot once… and i wiggled my way out of that situation… just to be with R. and here he was- quick to get rid of me. he said he would call again that weekend if he got a chance… if not, when he got to work tuesday. the 4 hour dance that night was torture… so much so that i refused to chaperone this year because i worried it would bring back negative feelings and anxiety.
well, sure enough, R left me a message from a payphone when i was unable to answer sunday… basically frantic. “A” he said, “whatever you do, dont answer the phone tonight… my wife wants me to call you and she will be listening”… i didnt answer. i had been staying at my parents for the long weekend because we had family stuff going on. he called that night- i didnt answer- but he left a pathetic voicemail- suggesting i call him at his house. yea, right… like that was going to happen. the next morning he snuck off to work and we had a long conversation… he explained everything that happened that night… we compared stories… he talked about how his life was in shambles- how he was under lock and key… how he no longer had a cell phone and when he got it back it would be highly restricted. he was freaking out about losing his son from his life… you see, this wasnt the first time R had been caught… but he had always worked his way out of the situation… just like he would with mine. he told me how he was just telling his wife that our relationship was strictly emotional. i still roll my eyes at the fact that she would buy that. he said we had only been going on for 1.5 years as opposed to 2.5 years. he said how he couldnt come back to our summer job. i cried… told him to calm down… told him id help him with anything… even help pay for lawyer bills in case there was custody battle. i was such a delusional idiot! he told me that he was going to have to call again that evening and asked me to answer the phone… he said it was all staged- he told me exactly what he had to say… and i could say whatever i wanted in return. we got off the phone. i was devastated.
i made my way back to my apartment that early evening… my bestfriend (also my roomie… and not a huge fan of R) was rushing back after she had been out of town because she knew shit had hit the fan and she wanted to be there for me. what im about to tell you… i couldnt even make up. i got back to my apartment… and parked across the street at the end of the driveway was Rs wife’s car. i freaked… i didnt know what to do. i ran into my apartment, hoping it was R waiting for me… it wasnt. i thought maybe he had gone for a walk… nobody was there… and then it hit me… Rs wife was in the church directly across the street from me. during our affair, when R told me she went to pastoral therapy i didnt ever imagine it was the church i lived across the street from! sure enough… i sat there and watched… and out she came. this would happen another time or two over the next few weeks. but then it stopped… im pretty sure R convinced her to change therapists because he was fearful id storm out my door and confront her. which, he was probably right, i would have gotten to that point. pure craziness! her car was parked in the EXACT spot where he parked nearly every other day or so when he came over to my apartment. oh the irony…
while i sat there and waited to see if shed walk out… i was on the phone having a breakdown with my bestfriend… finally she got home- after Rs wife had left the scene. my bestfriend sat and held me as i sobbed… she helped me prepare for the upcoming phone call. the phone rang. i answered it… again, i vaguely remember everything, but R said something clearly scripted along the lines o how he was discovered, how he had to spend time on his family now… blah blah blah. in the midst of his speech the phone went crazy because his wife was listening… a lot of static… he had to call back again… say the same thing… as i was trying to deliver my scripted and lame lines the phone went staticy again… he called back… at this point i was terribly annoyed and humiliated… he tried to deliver his lines again and i got snippy over the phone situation and totally just hung up on him. i swear if i had to relive it again knowing what i know now, i would have buried the bastard. i literally collapsed into my bestfriends arms that night after that call… i woke up the next morning looking like i had been punched in the face.
R called that morning… i was surprised… his lines were pretty convincing the night before that i thought he wouldnt call again… “i told you id call” he said… and i got a glimmer of hope that maybe things would work out. i gave him a hard time about the whole his wife being at the church across the street from me… i gave him a hard time about the phone call… i told him how devastated i was… in retrospect, he never really heard me because he was only concerned with himself. he texted here and there over the next few days saying how devastated he was… how he had been kicked out for a few days… blah blah blah… no concern for my well being. we spent the next few weeks playing the game of me trying to get him to actually talk to me… and he played the game of avoidance. long and short of that, we finally met a few weeks later in a parking lot-right after one of his therapy appointments he was told he had to go to… he was cold… unconcerned as i sat there crying. he was not the man i thought he was. i made an appointment with a therapist that night. i met with her many times over the next few months… she changed my life and i am forever grateful for her.
there is one more component to this story i want to share… and remind myself of. towards the end of the week after i got that dreaded phone call from R and his eavesdropping wife, Rs friend… who was also an acquaintance of mine… called me. he asked if i was OK… he knew what was going on. but he said to me “A, i had no clue it was you when R told me that he was caught”… at first, this made sense to me because when R and i broke up in the spring for a few weeks he never told his friend we got back together… thats another story. any way, his friend went on to tell me about how R had been getting friendly with a new female coworker… how they had all been out that friday night before columbus day… how Rs wife wasnt out with them… and R got a ride to his car from the coworker… i know ive said this before in some older post… but i used to drive R to his car! i used to hang out with him with summer coworkers! i knew all the things his friend was describing! i was furious… not only that… but if you remember back to the beginning of this story… R was texting me that night saying how he was home with friends watching a hockey game. i had been duped! i had been lied to! i found out more about this flirtation… how R boasted to his coworkers about how much he was talking to this girl… how hed stay after work to visit with her… it hit me like a ton of bricks… R wasnt only cheating on his wife with me… but he was in the process of starting to cheat on me and his wife with someone else! it was the moment of “if he could lie to his wife, why would i expect him to tell me the truth?”… when i gave him a chance to confess in the car when we met that one time he lied right to my face. i was crushed. all meaning to the past 2.5 years went out the window…. and i wasnt only left with the ruins of an affair… but of the confusion of what i even meant to him. and that was the biggest hurdle and problem i had to resolve over this past year. thats why i made this blog. i still dont have the answers to those things… but im OK with it now… so i can move on.
i know this was a long, extensive, description… but it was important for me to get it all out there. believe it or not, its actually quite abbreviated! check back monday for more…
neglecting my blog? or neglecting my feelings?
Filed under: breakthrough | Tags: affair, infidelity, mistress, other woman, OW, personal, strength, thoughts
Comments (10) just like everything and everybody in my life, my blog has been neglected during these first few weeks of school. lots of lessons to plan, lots obligations like open house, etc. not to mention, i was forced to get my house a bit more together because i scheduled a housewarming party (it was yesterday and went great!). im feeling great about this new year- my students seem pretty great and im having a blast teaching a new course thats based in a lot of discussion (and teenagers always have interesting perspectives!). im also feeling great about my house now that its all ship-shape (well, for the most part- if you open a closet you might think otherwise! but on the surface its ship-shape).
as ive started to settle into this new year and things have begun to slow down a bit the past week or so ive texted friends to set up dinners, etc. so i can get back into the routine of not neglecting the people i love. so just like my neglected friends, i sat down today to write a post because i feel bad ive neglected my blog… something ive poured my heart into this calendar year. but i kind of stared at the screen… i dont know exactly what i have to say right now. it was kind of a great feeling because i was afraid i just felt good about R because i havent had time to think about him… but its not my feelings i have been neglecting, but my poor little blog. i genuinely feel i have gotten to a point where im OK with the ghosts of my affair. im pretty sure i wont cry over R again. and i smile because i got the point that my blog friend, TV, always said i would. somewhere between june and now something clicked with me. i dont know exactly what it was that got me to this point of feeling OK, but im here… finally, almost a year from when my affair ended and my world seemed to break in half. dont get me wrong, i still think about my affair daily… i still think about R during the day… but its not as frequent and its not as intense as it once was. i suppose something could happen in the future that would derail this train im riding on- but i have faith that wont happen.
ive made a decision that to celebrate the first anniversary of my freedom im going to read my blog from start to finish (or at least skim some of the intense posts!)… i have an idea for something i want to write for myself when that day comes in the next few weeks and i think it would be really helpful to look back. i highly encourage anyone who is struggling because of an affair to write it down… even if its just a private journal. although, i highly recommend blogging because if you get great commenters like i have you are forced to think about things you may not have taken into account and to have meaningful conversations. being able to look back at one’s own transformation is empowering- or so im assuming it will be. i did not neglect my blog over the past 10 months because i did not neglect my feelings… this blog has been such a lifesaver, such a healthy venue for my inner demons to reside. i truly wish the best for all those out there struggling with this type of situation- its really a killer. and i hope that my blog has stopped at least one person out there from having an affair.
so to all my readers and my blog- im sorry ive been MIA the past few weeks… ive just been busy living my life… and thats a great thing! 
just for fun… love it in a cheesy way.
i love that she throws some justin timberlake in there… what goes around, baby!
under my feet, baby, grass is growing…
Filed under: breakthrough | Tags: adultery, affair, associations, cheating, comparisons, demons, frustration, infidelity, jealousy, life, love, mistress, other woman, OW, pain, personal, strength, thoughts
Comments (42) im at the point where i no longer need to and have to move on, but want to move on. i think there is a point in the healing process where you tell yourself you have no other choice that to move forward. you tell yourself you HAVE to… you can’t keep feeling the pain, you can’t keep obsessing over this other person who has shown they do not care for you the way that you did them. and perhaps still do. but simple semantics suggests a change in perspective, a change in thought. its not that i can’t feel the pain anymore… its that i don’t want to. i believe (or at least am telling myself!) that when we begin to see things in “wants” instead of “having to” or “needing to” suggests we are ready to change. “having to” and “needing to” implies a lack of self-control over the situation- they suggest we must do something whether we want to or not. now that im looking at my healing process in terms of “wants” i know i have more control over where life is going.
for me its a “new year”… most people see january as a new year… but in the world of education, september signals a new start. as one of my coworkers once said, when my friend complains about his job and the problems he has, i tell him that i have 120 problems and they all walk out the door in june. this is very true… in just over a week i will be meeting 120 new problems, new excited individuals who will shape my life. and i will hopefully do the same for them. ive had 2 weeks off of work to assess where i am and where im going. october will signal the year mark of the end of my affair… and the last time i saw R. i want to put him in the past… i want to embrace this new school year- my first that R has not been any part of.
ive looked at this past year- the struggles and accomplishments ive had and am quite grateful. while things could be better, they could also be far worse. there are aspects of my life i have let “slip away” as a result of too much time spent on trying to get over R. just like during my affair- even in the aftermath and healing, ive also put my thoughts about him first. let me explain… instead of saying “how am i moving forward” ive dwelled on “what is going on in his life? how can i make sure he is still miserable?”… as ive said time and time again, i cant make sure of that… but all of the information i have (some i have not shared publicly) does suggest he isnt living the glorious life… instead of dwelling on confirming that, i need to make it my “reality” and move forward with my own life.
so i figured id take some time to outline the major goals i have for this brand new year…
my house everything is still not unpacked… a lot of it is my school-related stuff- i think im dreading the end of summer! i have done SO much though the past month with the house- all the walls are now painted. so id like to take time to figure out what my tastes are and what i want to hang on those walls… instead of spending time trying to decipher clues on facebook about Rs life i want to spend more on sites like etsy.com that embrace creativity and give me inspiration. im also very excited because a good friend of mine has purchased a house just a few doors down from mine and should close soon. we already have fun plans that making wine and exploring the village we live in… all of which will keep me busy.
my health my blog pal, TV explorer, once spoke of the “affair diet” and his “smoking hot wife”… unlike those who lose weight as a result of stress… i look to good food, good friends, and a good bottle of wine to deal with my stress. over the past year- particularly all the fun times i had this summer with my friends has derailed what used to be a good workout routine i had… and i have gained a few pounds. im not concerned that they wont come off… but i know i need to concentrate on this a bit more. but the positives of it are that i love to cook- and i have a new kitchen to experiment with great, healthy recipes (beans and greens are my recent favorite!). i also used to use exercise as a stress relief and have started to once again during my recent emailing drama… so perhaps next time i start to wonder about R i will so some crunches… its all about forming new habits. i used to be able to easily run a 5k and id like to get to that point again… perhaps, instead of turning down my coworkers in fear of seeing R or his wife, i will reveal my running skills at the local corporate challenge next spring.
my intellectual well being im really excited for school to start this year… for the first time in my career im teaching a course that ive taught before- im excited to fine tune how i teach the content… and im eager to get a bit more creative as im becoming more comfortable as a teacher. im also teaching an elective iver never taught before but am very interested in… psychology. and boy dont i have experience with that! lol. i look forward to the intellectual discoveries i make on this adventure… and i look forward to getting my feet wet because there may be an opportunity for me to teach AP psych in the near future. i need to read the books i have sitting around… and ive subscribed to some new kinds of magazines than i usually read.
will i still have moments of weakness, sadness, and panic? im sure. but im hoping that they are few and far between. i WANT to move away from the memories of my affair. i know R will always haunt me… and im becoming more OK with that… i just look forward to developing more as a person so i can laugh at that ghost as oppose to run or be scared of it. because i am the historical sap that i am, i cant help but quote senator ted kennedy… in 1991 he said “I believe that each of us as individuals must not only struggle to make a better world, but to make ourselves better, too.” ive decided dwelling on my affair or trying to figure out if R is miserable is not making me a better person. but working on the above goals will. perhaps one day i will get vindication that ive craved by running into R… or knowing he has checked in on me… and him seeing and hearing the person that i always was and have continued to be… and the person ive changed and developed into as i approach my 30s… and just maybe he will regret the way he treated me… regret that he isnt the one with me. and the vindication will be that, at that point, i will no longer care.
dark places.
Filed under: games people play | Tags: adultery, affair, infidelity, mistress, other woman, OW
Comments (15) i dont know exactly how to start this post or where its going to go. im pretty sure this may sound a bit more disconnected than most of my posts- but i have a feeling those of you who have experienced affairs will understand my all over the place conversation. as some of my “regulars” know, i had it in my mind that it was a good thing to contact R to “suggest” he not come back to the place i work in the summer (and he used to as well- its actually where we met if you are following along with the story). to sum it up, i had heard from very good sources that it seemed he wanted to- in fact, i had heard his father and wife had both inquired about his return (just like me, R is mutual friends with the boss so family members know him as well). im not going to say contacting him was a mistake. i dont really want to go into detail about what came about last week as a result of my email… mainly because i feel it feels a little soap operay for what i generally like to post. but i will say this…
my first email to him was very short and sweet and to the point. and his response stated he never intended to come back and that his wife never contacted anyone about said event. im not so sure this is true… and that leads me to my next point… nothing he wrote i could really believe. some things he said over the 2 emails i received from him were things like “im sorry… i know you may never believe me,” “i am not coming back to work because i want you to be able to move on,” “I so often think about what I did to you and I get angry at myself for how I acted.,” (direct quote) “im sorry i left you with the thoughts of not knowing who i am,” “i cant believe i betrayed you,” “I often look back and say that the real me was the guy that was able to share the intimate details and times. None of that was faked, and I want you to know that and you were an amazing, great part of me that I have now paid the ultimate price and lost.” (that was a direct quote). if he really felt like he lost me, then why the hell didnt he fight for me?
the time line of emails was this… i sent my first one, got my response quickly… and i just had to respond back. in my true form it was long and wordy… but very to the point. he didnt respond promptly like the first one. hes a classic avoider. so, as i will mention below, like an idiot i wrote again. he responded to that… but instead of addressing the real emotions i commented about, he kept up with the “im not coming back to work thing”… perhaps im just being too hard on him, but thats how i read it. i realized my lengthy email was too nice to him… and i felt i had to write ONE more email… whether he wrote back or not… i decided id be a little more blunt, a little more harsh… instead of being general about my “all knowings” about him coming back to our work i gave him specific details… specific lines i was told his wife told my boss… it was kind of my way of saying, “you may say she hadnt contacted him… but he has no reasons for making up stories” (i also wanted to write in CAPS- perhaps you arent the only person in your marriage doing things behind their spouses back)… i wrote that email knowing that he probably wouldnt respond. like an idiot, i even closed with a sarcastic line about how if he ever felt like apologizing further i wouldnt be a total bitch to him. he didnt respond… and i dont think i will ever hear from him again in my life… i really now feel like he has basically died… i am depressed that i will never talk to him again… and im ashamed that i even feel that way considering how he treated me… i could kick myself in the ass for behaving as if i still cared. i hate that i gave him that satisfaction. but perhaps, in the long run, putting out there what i really felt and was going through will benefit me.
heartbroken OW (see my links) has recently mentioned “reading into things”… this was the most negative thing that has come out of my contact with R. after talking to 2 people, in depth, about my choices i know i shouldnt regret airing my opinions… but i hate that i now have words in front of me that im going to interpret and try to twist to decipher what is going on in his life… when the bottom line is i have NO clue. and will never. and what makes me made was before i sent this email i felt like i was beyond that. many of my “realities” i created in my head were some what deflated after my communication with R. as many had warned, it was a dangerous move… but even though i have entered dark territory… it has brought about more things to deal with… and more things to work through… and things to feel stronger about.
to be frank, part of me feels like he was appeasing me… part of me feels like he has moved far beyond me and was trying to please, yet another, aggravated woman in his life. that is one of the worst feelings… to feel like he no longer cares like i implied i do. at the same time, R emailed me back within 24 hours… this was on our “secret” email account. so, reading into it, it made me feel like he could still care- since he happened to still check this email. in fact, in a frantic (and ridiculous) moment i had after sending my second (and very emotional email)… i emailed AGAIN (dumb, dumb, dumb) after not getting a response asking if he could email me back to let me know he got it as i put a lot out there… within minutes i had a response from him saying he had… with more lines from him. MINUTES. so his wife is at work and he is apparently checking this “secret account.” should this be a sign that he DOES care? does this tell me his marriage isnt as perfect as he and his wife may try to make it seem? my bestfriend suggested that he may be using the email for other purposes now- another trist, pornography, etc… and thats why he responded… not because of me. again, this is a head game i will now play with myself.
i feel a little defeated because i was doing so well. i feel defeated because i gave in and emailed the man. im annoyed that i have more questions now… and i hate that im back in a dark place. perhaps im being to hard on myself, but i hate that i still feel stuck while i feel like this man, who i honestly loved at one point, has moved beyond me. i will say it time and time again… i dont want him to be happy. i dont want his marriage to be OK. i want him to get his.
tonight i was on a mutual friend’s facebook page. this is the friend that informed me R stalked me at one point, etc. well, i came across a post on facebook from last week that said “friend” had… it was a status post and said something along the lines about how he couldnt wait to hang out with his friends that night… and then Rs wife exchanged some playful dialogue with said friend about how she didnt know about the plans and the friend was like “i invited r!” and she was like “he didnt say anything about it! i guess he rather stay home with me (smiley face)”… it took all i had to not pipe in and be like… “i bet” or “while you were typing that post at work while my taxes are paying for your job, your husband was on his secret account emailing me”… i hope you see my point here without me having to explain it. perhaps i dont have to be the only one reading into things anymore.
so, in classic MM form, i posted some pictures on facebook from this summer that make me happy… including ones of my new home (which is really coming together!). does it make me feel better to assess the things i have? yes… for now. i just look forward to getting back to the place i was before this setback. the fucking bastard.
when i was a freshman in highschool i came across an anonymous quote one of my favorite english teachers shared with me… i just found it again recently in the process of my big move… it rings so true even today. “our lives are formed by those who love us… and thos who refuse to.” man, is my life being formed.
