TV isn’t the only one who is haunted…
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: adultery, affair, anger, demons, frustration, infidelity, jealousy, mistress, other woman, OW, pain, thoughts
Comments (14) so im going to piggy-back off of my good pal TV’s recent post that had an eeeeeeeriey halloween theme to it. him and i often exchange our thoughts about how our affairs continue to “haunt” us no matter how much progress we have made.
well, my affair haunted me in the form of my dreams last night… as with most dreams, i dont remember enough details to share the context of the dreams… i just know i had multiple dreams (or shall i say nightmares) about R… but mainly about his wife. and i know every time i woke up between them i was bothered. i know one of the dreams involved her coming across my blog… and another one where i was digging around her work and came across a photo album of pictures of her.
now im not going to get all freudian… he would say that the manifest content (the stuff about Rs wife- the things i actually saw in the dream) that i saw has deep latent (concealed) meanings. im just going to take the manifest content for what it is…
im pretty confident that i dreamt about digging around her work because i still havent been able to let go of checking in on her facebook picture, etc. when the fact is i really want to- i just have developed a habit so strong. this dream was my inner demons fighting over the issue at hand.
i think that i dreamt about her finding my blog because i often wonder if she also checks my facebook page… sadly, when i change my facebook picture i keep that in mind- that she might… although i know im over thinking it. i also think, while i dont remember R being in this dream, its my way of also wondering if R still does his homework on me like i have for him.
i also believe that both of these “type” of feelings come from the same source… im still in that phase (although less strong than months ago) where i want to be sure that THEY are miserable… and R (and apparently his wife whether its fair or not) still spend time checking in on ME.. that im not the only pathetic loser who is still caught up in this stuff… that im still not the only one who checks in when i can or digs for information here or there… that perhaps R has figured out that i moved… etc. why do i want this? im not quite sure… but i think its a way of me knowing im right- that they are in fact, miserable, like i suspect… and if R cares enough to still do his research on me it proves that he cared in some capacity despite the horrible way the affair ended.
as i reread this post for content i realize how screwy-louis it all sounds… but you know what? its a perfect example of how affair will haunt you whether its halloween season or not. its totally frustrating to want to move in one direction but feel “ghosts” pulling your thoughts in another.
columbus day weekend part one…
a year ago… on this very night… my life appeared to come to a sudden halt. R, the man i loved so much, had been discovered. i couldnt figured out how to go about writing a post for this weekend… a very large part of me didnt want to write anything at all. but another part of me was screaming to do so… for the fact that i cant just quit my blog… for the fact that i need to remind myself of the past to realize how great i have it now. so thats the point of this post and the next one. today im going to kind of “relive” what happened last year… its not that im dwelling on it or am in pain over it… but its a way for me to reconnect with the desperation and pain i felt. at the end of this long weekend i plan to sit down and write an “after” version.
this day last year was a lot like many other fridays after work… i had a happy hour engagement… but of course, i ran home to rendezvous with R. we were only able to hang out… briefly. it seemed like he was a little distant but i didnt think much about it because weekends were sometimes like that. those of you who have been in affairs know what im talking about when it comes to weekends. any way, he hugged me, kissed me sweetly, told me he loved me, and said he’d see me after the long weekend. i met my friends for happy hour and enjoyed myself. R and i exchanged some texts… he said he had friends over watching a hockey game on TV. we exchanged a few more texts- i said i was heading home… he told me he loved me and i said “i love you, too” (the best words i ever texted- because when his wife found the message later he couldnt turn it around on me… the “too” implied he had initiated).
i went to bed kind of annoyed because i hadnt gotten a goodnight text like i usually did. then i woke up at 2 am-ish… still no text… so i sent him a text saying how i was disappointed, how he expected me to text him at certain moments and i didnt get the same from him. i rolled over, annoyed. in the morning i woke up to a text message from his email account that said “something has happened- do not text me. ill contact you soon.” the next few weeks were misery… a long, slow, painful process. torture. pure torture. pretending i was happy when all i wanted to do was lay in a ball most of the time. my stomach was out of control with nervousness and anxiety… while at the same time, i was trying to hold myself together because i had to chaperone a homecoming football game and dance at my new teaching job. some point during the day, R got out of his wifes watchful eye and he called me… i vaguely remember the conversation but i do remember him explaining how she read a text i sent… how she threw his phone against the wall… how him and i had to stop what we were doing. i know i reacted with shock… anger… you see, i was caught once too- my boyfriends cousin actually spotted R and i kissing in a parking lot once… and i wiggled my way out of that situation… just to be with R. and here he was- quick to get rid of me. he said he would call again that weekend if he got a chance… if not, when he got to work tuesday. the 4 hour dance that night was torture… so much so that i refused to chaperone this year because i worried it would bring back negative feelings and anxiety.
well, sure enough, R left me a message from a payphone when i was unable to answer sunday… basically frantic. “A” he said, “whatever you do, dont answer the phone tonight… my wife wants me to call you and she will be listening”… i didnt answer. i had been staying at my parents for the long weekend because we had family stuff going on. he called that night- i didnt answer- but he left a pathetic voicemail- suggesting i call him at his house. yea, right… like that was going to happen. the next morning he snuck off to work and we had a long conversation… he explained everything that happened that night… we compared stories… he talked about how his life was in shambles- how he was under lock and key… how he no longer had a cell phone and when he got it back it would be highly restricted. he was freaking out about losing his son from his life… you see, this wasnt the first time R had been caught… but he had always worked his way out of the situation… just like he would with mine. he told me how he was just telling his wife that our relationship was strictly emotional. i still roll my eyes at the fact that she would buy that. he said we had only been going on for 1.5 years as opposed to 2.5 years. he said how he couldnt come back to our summer job. i cried… told him to calm down… told him id help him with anything… even help pay for lawyer bills in case there was custody battle. i was such a delusional idiot! he told me that he was going to have to call again that evening and asked me to answer the phone… he said it was all staged- he told me exactly what he had to say… and i could say whatever i wanted in return. we got off the phone. i was devastated.
i made my way back to my apartment that early evening… my bestfriend (also my roomie… and not a huge fan of R) was rushing back after she had been out of town because she knew shit had hit the fan and she wanted to be there for me. what im about to tell you… i couldnt even make up. i got back to my apartment… and parked across the street at the end of the driveway was Rs wife’s car. i freaked… i didnt know what to do. i ran into my apartment, hoping it was R waiting for me… it wasnt. i thought maybe he had gone for a walk… nobody was there… and then it hit me… Rs wife was in the church directly across the street from me. during our affair, when R told me she went to pastoral therapy i didnt ever imagine it was the church i lived across the street from! sure enough… i sat there and watched… and out she came. this would happen another time or two over the next few weeks. but then it stopped… im pretty sure R convinced her to change therapists because he was fearful id storm out my door and confront her. which, he was probably right, i would have gotten to that point. pure craziness! her car was parked in the EXACT spot where he parked nearly every other day or so when he came over to my apartment. oh the irony…
while i sat there and waited to see if shed walk out… i was on the phone having a breakdown with my bestfriend… finally she got home- after Rs wife had left the scene. my bestfriend sat and held me as i sobbed… she helped me prepare for the upcoming phone call. the phone rang. i answered it… again, i vaguely remember everything, but R said something clearly scripted along the lines o how he was discovered, how he had to spend time on his family now… blah blah blah. in the midst of his speech the phone went crazy because his wife was listening… a lot of static… he had to call back again… say the same thing… as i was trying to deliver my scripted and lame lines the phone went staticy again… he called back… at this point i was terribly annoyed and humiliated… he tried to deliver his lines again and i got snippy over the phone situation and totally just hung up on him. i swear if i had to relive it again knowing what i know now, i would have buried the bastard. i literally collapsed into my bestfriends arms that night after that call… i woke up the next morning looking like i had been punched in the face.
R called that morning… i was surprised… his lines were pretty convincing the night before that i thought he wouldnt call again… “i told you id call” he said… and i got a glimmer of hope that maybe things would work out. i gave him a hard time about the whole his wife being at the church across the street from me… i gave him a hard time about the phone call… i told him how devastated i was… in retrospect, he never really heard me because he was only concerned with himself. he texted here and there over the next few days saying how devastated he was… how he had been kicked out for a few days… blah blah blah… no concern for my well being. we spent the next few weeks playing the game of me trying to get him to actually talk to me… and he played the game of avoidance. long and short of that, we finally met a few weeks later in a parking lot-right after one of his therapy appointments he was told he had to go to… he was cold… unconcerned as i sat there crying. he was not the man i thought he was. i made an appointment with a therapist that night. i met with her many times over the next few months… she changed my life and i am forever grateful for her.
there is one more component to this story i want to share… and remind myself of. towards the end of the week after i got that dreaded phone call from R and his eavesdropping wife, Rs friend… who was also an acquaintance of mine… called me. he asked if i was OK… he knew what was going on. but he said to me “A, i had no clue it was you when R told me that he was caught”… at first, this made sense to me because when R and i broke up in the spring for a few weeks he never told his friend we got back together… thats another story. any way, his friend went on to tell me about how R had been getting friendly with a new female coworker… how they had all been out that friday night before columbus day… how Rs wife wasnt out with them… and R got a ride to his car from the coworker… i know ive said this before in some older post… but i used to drive R to his car! i used to hang out with him with summer coworkers! i knew all the things his friend was describing! i was furious… not only that… but if you remember back to the beginning of this story… R was texting me that night saying how he was home with friends watching a hockey game. i had been duped! i had been lied to! i found out more about this flirtation… how R boasted to his coworkers about how much he was talking to this girl… how hed stay after work to visit with her… it hit me like a ton of bricks… R wasnt only cheating on his wife with me… but he was in the process of starting to cheat on me and his wife with someone else! it was the moment of “if he could lie to his wife, why would i expect him to tell me the truth?”… when i gave him a chance to confess in the car when we met that one time he lied right to my face. i was crushed. all meaning to the past 2.5 years went out the window…. and i wasnt only left with the ruins of an affair… but of the confusion of what i even meant to him. and that was the biggest hurdle and problem i had to resolve over this past year. thats why i made this blog. i still dont have the answers to those things… but im OK with it now… so i can move on.
i know this was a long, extensive, description… but it was important for me to get it all out there. believe it or not, its actually quite abbreviated! check back monday for more…
neglecting my blog? or neglecting my feelings?
Filed under: breakthrough | Tags: affair, infidelity, mistress, other woman, OW, personal, strength, thoughts
Comments (10) just like everything and everybody in my life, my blog has been neglected during these first few weeks of school. lots of lessons to plan, lots obligations like open house, etc. not to mention, i was forced to get my house a bit more together because i scheduled a housewarming party (it was yesterday and went great!). im feeling great about this new year- my students seem pretty great and im having a blast teaching a new course thats based in a lot of discussion (and teenagers always have interesting perspectives!). im also feeling great about my house now that its all ship-shape (well, for the most part- if you open a closet you might think otherwise! but on the surface its ship-shape).
as ive started to settle into this new year and things have begun to slow down a bit the past week or so ive texted friends to set up dinners, etc. so i can get back into the routine of not neglecting the people i love. so just like my neglected friends, i sat down today to write a post because i feel bad ive neglected my blog… something ive poured my heart into this calendar year. but i kind of stared at the screen… i dont know exactly what i have to say right now. it was kind of a great feeling because i was afraid i just felt good about R because i havent had time to think about him… but its not my feelings i have been neglecting, but my poor little blog. i genuinely feel i have gotten to a point where im OK with the ghosts of my affair. im pretty sure i wont cry over R again. and i smile because i got the point that my blog friend, TV, always said i would. somewhere between june and now something clicked with me. i dont know exactly what it was that got me to this point of feeling OK, but im here… finally, almost a year from when my affair ended and my world seemed to break in half. dont get me wrong, i still think about my affair daily… i still think about R during the day… but its not as frequent and its not as intense as it once was. i suppose something could happen in the future that would derail this train im riding on- but i have faith that wont happen.
ive made a decision that to celebrate the first anniversary of my freedom im going to read my blog from start to finish (or at least skim some of the intense posts!)… i have an idea for something i want to write for myself when that day comes in the next few weeks and i think it would be really helpful to look back. i highly encourage anyone who is struggling because of an affair to write it down… even if its just a private journal. although, i highly recommend blogging because if you get great commenters like i have you are forced to think about things you may not have taken into account and to have meaningful conversations. being able to look back at one’s own transformation is empowering- or so im assuming it will be. i did not neglect my blog over the past 10 months because i did not neglect my feelings… this blog has been such a lifesaver, such a healthy venue for my inner demons to reside. i truly wish the best for all those out there struggling with this type of situation- its really a killer. and i hope that my blog has stopped at least one person out there from having an affair.
so to all my readers and my blog- im sorry ive been MIA the past few weeks… ive just been busy living my life… and thats a great thing! 
just for fun… love it in a cheesy way.
i love that she throws some justin timberlake in there… what goes around, baby!
under my feet, baby, grass is growing…
Filed under: breakthrough | Tags: adultery, affair, associations, cheating, comparisons, demons, frustration, infidelity, jealousy, life, love, mistress, other woman, OW, pain, personal, strength, thoughts
Comments (42) im at the point where i no longer need to and have to move on, but want to move on. i think there is a point in the healing process where you tell yourself you have no other choice that to move forward. you tell yourself you HAVE to… you can’t keep feeling the pain, you can’t keep obsessing over this other person who has shown they do not care for you the way that you did them. and perhaps still do. but simple semantics suggests a change in perspective, a change in thought. its not that i can’t feel the pain anymore… its that i don’t want to. i believe (or at least am telling myself!) that when we begin to see things in “wants” instead of “having to” or “needing to” suggests we are ready to change. “having to” and “needing to” implies a lack of self-control over the situation- they suggest we must do something whether we want to or not. now that im looking at my healing process in terms of “wants” i know i have more control over where life is going.
for me its a “new year”… most people see january as a new year… but in the world of education, september signals a new start. as one of my coworkers once said, when my friend complains about his job and the problems he has, i tell him that i have 120 problems and they all walk out the door in june. this is very true… in just over a week i will be meeting 120 new problems, new excited individuals who will shape my life. and i will hopefully do the same for them. ive had 2 weeks off of work to assess where i am and where im going. october will signal the year mark of the end of my affair… and the last time i saw R. i want to put him in the past… i want to embrace this new school year- my first that R has not been any part of.
ive looked at this past year- the struggles and accomplishments ive had and am quite grateful. while things could be better, they could also be far worse. there are aspects of my life i have let “slip away” as a result of too much time spent on trying to get over R. just like during my affair- even in the aftermath and healing, ive also put my thoughts about him first. let me explain… instead of saying “how am i moving forward” ive dwelled on “what is going on in his life? how can i make sure he is still miserable?”… as ive said time and time again, i cant make sure of that… but all of the information i have (some i have not shared publicly) does suggest he isnt living the glorious life… instead of dwelling on confirming that, i need to make it my “reality” and move forward with my own life.
so i figured id take some time to outline the major goals i have for this brand new year…
my house everything is still not unpacked… a lot of it is my school-related stuff- i think im dreading the end of summer! i have done SO much though the past month with the house- all the walls are now painted. so id like to take time to figure out what my tastes are and what i want to hang on those walls… instead of spending time trying to decipher clues on facebook about Rs life i want to spend more on sites like etsy.com that embrace creativity and give me inspiration. im also very excited because a good friend of mine has purchased a house just a few doors down from mine and should close soon. we already have fun plans that making wine and exploring the village we live in… all of which will keep me busy.
my health my blog pal, TV explorer, once spoke of the “affair diet” and his “smoking hot wife”… unlike those who lose weight as a result of stress… i look to good food, good friends, and a good bottle of wine to deal with my stress. over the past year- particularly all the fun times i had this summer with my friends has derailed what used to be a good workout routine i had… and i have gained a few pounds. im not concerned that they wont come off… but i know i need to concentrate on this a bit more. but the positives of it are that i love to cook- and i have a new kitchen to experiment with great, healthy recipes (beans and greens are my recent favorite!). i also used to use exercise as a stress relief and have started to once again during my recent emailing drama… so perhaps next time i start to wonder about R i will so some crunches… its all about forming new habits. i used to be able to easily run a 5k and id like to get to that point again… perhaps, instead of turning down my coworkers in fear of seeing R or his wife, i will reveal my running skills at the local corporate challenge next spring.
my intellectual well being im really excited for school to start this year… for the first time in my career im teaching a course that ive taught before- im excited to fine tune how i teach the content… and im eager to get a bit more creative as im becoming more comfortable as a teacher. im also teaching an elective iver never taught before but am very interested in… psychology. and boy dont i have experience with that! lol. i look forward to the intellectual discoveries i make on this adventure… and i look forward to getting my feet wet because there may be an opportunity for me to teach AP psych in the near future. i need to read the books i have sitting around… and ive subscribed to some new kinds of magazines than i usually read.
will i still have moments of weakness, sadness, and panic? im sure. but im hoping that they are few and far between. i WANT to move away from the memories of my affair. i know R will always haunt me… and im becoming more OK with that… i just look forward to developing more as a person so i can laugh at that ghost as oppose to run or be scared of it. because i am the historical sap that i am, i cant help but quote senator ted kennedy… in 1991 he said “I believe that each of us as individuals must not only struggle to make a better world, but to make ourselves better, too.” ive decided dwelling on my affair or trying to figure out if R is miserable is not making me a better person. but working on the above goals will. perhaps one day i will get vindication that ive craved by running into R… or knowing he has checked in on me… and him seeing and hearing the person that i always was and have continued to be… and the person ive changed and developed into as i approach my 30s… and just maybe he will regret the way he treated me… regret that he isnt the one with me. and the vindication will be that, at that point, i will no longer care.
dark places.
Filed under: games people play | Tags: adultery, affair, infidelity, mistress, other woman, OW
Comments (15) i dont know exactly how to start this post or where its going to go. im pretty sure this may sound a bit more disconnected than most of my posts- but i have a feeling those of you who have experienced affairs will understand my all over the place conversation. as some of my “regulars” know, i had it in my mind that it was a good thing to contact R to “suggest” he not come back to the place i work in the summer (and he used to as well- its actually where we met if you are following along with the story). to sum it up, i had heard from very good sources that it seemed he wanted to- in fact, i had heard his father and wife had both inquired about his return (just like me, R is mutual friends with the boss so family members know him as well). im not going to say contacting him was a mistake. i dont really want to go into detail about what came about last week as a result of my email… mainly because i feel it feels a little soap operay for what i generally like to post. but i will say this…
my first email to him was very short and sweet and to the point. and his response stated he never intended to come back and that his wife never contacted anyone about said event. im not so sure this is true… and that leads me to my next point… nothing he wrote i could really believe. some things he said over the 2 emails i received from him were things like “im sorry… i know you may never believe me,” “i am not coming back to work because i want you to be able to move on,” “I so often think about what I did to you and I get angry at myself for how I acted.,” (direct quote) “im sorry i left you with the thoughts of not knowing who i am,” “i cant believe i betrayed you,” “I often look back and say that the real me was the guy that was able to share the intimate details and times. None of that was faked, and I want you to know that and you were an amazing, great part of me that I have now paid the ultimate price and lost.” (that was a direct quote). if he really felt like he lost me, then why the hell didnt he fight for me?
the time line of emails was this… i sent my first one, got my response quickly… and i just had to respond back. in my true form it was long and wordy… but very to the point. he didnt respond promptly like the first one. hes a classic avoider. so, as i will mention below, like an idiot i wrote again. he responded to that… but instead of addressing the real emotions i commented about, he kept up with the “im not coming back to work thing”… perhaps im just being too hard on him, but thats how i read it. i realized my lengthy email was too nice to him… and i felt i had to write ONE more email… whether he wrote back or not… i decided id be a little more blunt, a little more harsh… instead of being general about my “all knowings” about him coming back to our work i gave him specific details… specific lines i was told his wife told my boss… it was kind of my way of saying, “you may say she hadnt contacted him… but he has no reasons for making up stories” (i also wanted to write in CAPS- perhaps you arent the only person in your marriage doing things behind their spouses back)… i wrote that email knowing that he probably wouldnt respond. like an idiot, i even closed with a sarcastic line about how if he ever felt like apologizing further i wouldnt be a total bitch to him. he didnt respond… and i dont think i will ever hear from him again in my life… i really now feel like he has basically died… i am depressed that i will never talk to him again… and im ashamed that i even feel that way considering how he treated me… i could kick myself in the ass for behaving as if i still cared. i hate that i gave him that satisfaction. but perhaps, in the long run, putting out there what i really felt and was going through will benefit me.
heartbroken OW (see my links) has recently mentioned “reading into things”… this was the most negative thing that has come out of my contact with R. after talking to 2 people, in depth, about my choices i know i shouldnt regret airing my opinions… but i hate that i now have words in front of me that im going to interpret and try to twist to decipher what is going on in his life… when the bottom line is i have NO clue. and will never. and what makes me made was before i sent this email i felt like i was beyond that. many of my “realities” i created in my head were some what deflated after my communication with R. as many had warned, it was a dangerous move… but even though i have entered dark territory… it has brought about more things to deal with… and more things to work through… and things to feel stronger about.
to be frank, part of me feels like he was appeasing me… part of me feels like he has moved far beyond me and was trying to please, yet another, aggravated woman in his life. that is one of the worst feelings… to feel like he no longer cares like i implied i do. at the same time, R emailed me back within 24 hours… this was on our “secret” email account. so, reading into it, it made me feel like he could still care- since he happened to still check this email. in fact, in a frantic (and ridiculous) moment i had after sending my second (and very emotional email)… i emailed AGAIN (dumb, dumb, dumb) after not getting a response asking if he could email me back to let me know he got it as i put a lot out there… within minutes i had a response from him saying he had… with more lines from him. MINUTES. so his wife is at work and he is apparently checking this “secret account.” should this be a sign that he DOES care? does this tell me his marriage isnt as perfect as he and his wife may try to make it seem? my bestfriend suggested that he may be using the email for other purposes now- another trist, pornography, etc… and thats why he responded… not because of me. again, this is a head game i will now play with myself.
i feel a little defeated because i was doing so well. i feel defeated because i gave in and emailed the man. im annoyed that i have more questions now… and i hate that im back in a dark place. perhaps im being to hard on myself, but i hate that i still feel stuck while i feel like this man, who i honestly loved at one point, has moved beyond me. i will say it time and time again… i dont want him to be happy. i dont want his marriage to be OK. i want him to get his.
tonight i was on a mutual friend’s facebook page. this is the friend that informed me R stalked me at one point, etc. well, i came across a post on facebook from last week that said “friend” had… it was a status post and said something along the lines about how he couldnt wait to hang out with his friends that night… and then Rs wife exchanged some playful dialogue with said friend about how she didnt know about the plans and the friend was like “i invited r!” and she was like “he didnt say anything about it! i guess he rather stay home with me (smiley face)”… it took all i had to not pipe in and be like… “i bet” or “while you were typing that post at work while my taxes are paying for your job, your husband was on his secret account emailing me”… i hope you see my point here without me having to explain it. perhaps i dont have to be the only one reading into things anymore.
so, in classic MM form, i posted some pictures on facebook from this summer that make me happy… including ones of my new home (which is really coming together!). does it make me feel better to assess the things i have? yes… for now. i just look forward to getting back to the place i was before this setback. the fucking bastard.
when i was a freshman in highschool i came across an anonymous quote one of my favorite english teachers shared with me… i just found it again recently in the process of my big move… it rings so true even today. “our lives are formed by those who love us… and thos who refuse to.” man, is my life being formed.
sick and tired of being sick and tired…
Filed under: frustration | Tags: adultery, affair, anger, associations, cheating, comparisons, demons, frustration, infidelity, jealousy, lies, life, love, mistress, other woman, OW, pain, personal, strength, therapy, thoughts
Comments (38) im tired. im tired of thoughts creeping in… im tired of the fact that i still check Rs wife’s facebook picture… im tired it still bothers me. one of my blog friends who i email with made a very valid point in a recent email that it shouldn’t bother me how either one of them look or appear because i know i dont want to be with him. that his wife is the one stuck with him (the scumbag who undoubtedly hasnt changed)… that ive won. then why does it still bother me?! why does victory not taste as sweet? my only answer to that is that i havent had the justice i feel is necessary. part of the reason i dont feel such justice is because there are things i will never know… no matter how much i think about them, some things will remain unknown to me. these are the risks you take while having an affair- that one day it will instantly cease to exist no matter how much you love the person. you will be left with many unknowns. and in my case, when the affair ended i saw a whole new side to R that i didnt think existed and this raised even more questions with more unknown answers… below are a few of those things that im trying hard to accept so i can move on…
i will never know what was the truth and what was not during the affair… R told me a lot about his marriage that i do not know the validity of… see my post dear current other woman. for all i know his wife was amazing to him and he is just totally fucked up. i know that he began a flirtation with another girl at the end of my affair… who knows what he was during during the 2.5 years! who knows who else he flirted with despite how much he said i meant to him… one thing mistresses will never admit is that “HE CAN LIE TO ME TOO”… its the most common sense ever… if someone can lie to cheat on someone- they can lie to the person they are cheating with, too! at this point, i have no idea what was manipulation and what was real.
i will never be a fly on the wall… i can hear all the hearsay out there considering i have quite a few mutual friends in common with R… i can make assumptions from facebook pictures… but i will never know what goes on behind closed doors at Rs house. i do not know if he is happy or miserable. bottom line, i don not know whats going on in his life. for 2.5 years i (think) i did… and then one day- poof! he became a stranger.
i will not know if he misses me… i will not hear from him again. im pretty sure of that. although id give up a lot to know if he does miss me. but this will never happen. i know im stubborn enough not to talk to him… and he probably is scared to contact me both thinking about his wife and the chances i might verbally castrate him. i dont know if he logs into his email account like i do sometimes just tempted to email him… or to dial his voicemail just to hear his voice and contemplate sending him a message. i dont know if i ever meant a damn thing to him… and i dont know if he thinks about me now as much as i do him… i can only hope he does- considering he fucked me over and i did nothing but support him.
i will not know what he thinks of me… he went to pastoral counseling. he apparently found god. my friend TV explorer has mentioned that his wife has tried to turn his mistress into a villain… i dont know if this is the same for R… after our affair he told me he doesnt regret anything. does he still feel this way? i dont know… i know his wife relies on denial- so for all i know she doesnt even give him a hard time about me… perhaps he doesnt regret his affair because of this. perhaps R got away with being bad ONCE AGAIN. but perhaps he now regrets me… loathes me for being part of his life… this may be one of my biggest fears. that i am hated by someone i loved so much. even though i know he was totally careless with me and my emotions- little pieces of me still love him (but dont get me wrong- most pieces dont!). i loathe him, i hate what he did to me… but i dont know if i can say i hate him… however, would i ruin him to protect my interests? you bet. that is something i would never say during my affair!
i dont know what he knows about me. going off the above 2… if he does miss or think of me i do not know how much investigation he does on me. i know in january he followed me to the gym 2 weeks in a row- just to make sure i still went as to avoid a run in with his wife… so, per usual, he was protecting his interests. but i do not know if he has kept tabs on me… my whereabouts, etc. i dont know if he knows i bought a house, etc. this is all kind of unsettling to me to know that someone who has basically stalked me at one point might be out there somewhere… for all i know he has a new car, etc… and i cant detect him.
“its not my job”… so says my therapist. i want R to suffer… i want him to miss me. but its not my job for him to get his. i cant plant little seeds in the world for things to tumble down on him… it has to happen naturally. thats why ive never contacted his wife… never threatened him (yet! lol), etc… because i cant change people… i can only change myself. i need to focus on my health, my house, my future… i cant keep looking backwards. i have to trust that life will catch up with R… i have to trust he is stuck where he is… and that i still have so much ahead of myself. that is true revenge.
i cant predict what will happen… i will never know if when i walk into a store or local establishment if i will run into him… or his wife. or both. every time i walk anywhere in public i do a double take of people… no matter how many years down the road i am… no matter when i get over this whole thing… my affair will haunt me forever in this respect. i also have heard he might want to come back to camp next year- i cant predict if he will… or how he will handle things when im forced to contact him to tell him he best not. i dont know if my friends and family will ever find out about my affair. i dont know what i will find out in the future… if R might have another kid (which would kill me), if he gets a divorce as im about to get married, etc… i dont know what mental challenges i have ahead of me to face… but i do know i need to be prepared. i am forever enlisted in the affair national guard.
getting over these points and others are a challenge for me daily. im so sick and tired of being drained by my affair… i truly want to move on but am struggling. and i hope R is out there struggling, too- its only fair. although anyone who has been in an affair can testify that they are never fair and balanced. (another thing i have to accept!). if someone tells me time will heal my head might pop off- time shmime… ive suffered enough… i want to move on. im really trying to here- im trying to think positively… remind myself that i dont want R in my life so why do i dwell. i guess nobody likes being the “loser”… particularly this stubborn, competitive gal. thank god, in the end, he didnt turn out to be that great guy i saw for 2.5 years… because i dont know how worse this would be if that was the case. with all this being said, all suggestions for moving on are welcome… for now im going to focus on a quote my friend, TV explorer, recently posted on his blog… “This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time.”
pretending everything is OK.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: adultery, affair, anger, cheating, comparisons, frustration, infidelity, jealousy, lies, life, mistress, other woman, OW, pain, personal, revenge, selfish, strength, thoughts, wife
Comments (6) today, in the midst of my complaining, one of my best friends (who knows about my affair) said to me “is it possible you still have feelings for R”… my instant thought was “of course i fucking do! why else would i bitch so much about that new somewhat happy looking facebook pic his wife just posted… and did i mention her huge stomach looked thinner?!” we dont bitch about things unless something strikes us. however, i pointed out to her that i feel something for him for a split second or so and then remember how much i despise him.
on top of it, ive realized that my feelings for him are about the pain i want him to feel more than me wanting him. in other words, i dont want R in my life again… i know how toxic, how horribly addictive he was. yet, i want him to miserable. truly, seriously. i want him to feel pain- i want him to not have gotten away with anything. im pretty confident that his wife is major queen of denial and has igonred stuff… again. therefore i hope karma has taken over. i know his wife hasnt punished him… i want karma to… i want thoughts of how well i treated him to… and i hope they do. i often fear that they dont. i know its got to be bad for my karma to wish will ill… even on R. but i often, almost on a daily basis, pretend everything is OK… that i dont loathe him. ive even convinced myself of it from time to time.
however, the bottom line is that i think anyone who has treated me the way R has should have his heart ripped out of his chest cavity and stepped on in front of his very own eyes. everything isnt OK for me… therefore it shouldnt be OK for him. he left a wake of hurt and pain- even months later. but he can smile all he wants in his wife’s facebook picture while i also post ones that give the appearance that im happy.
i debate- should i intervene with nature? should i send out subtle hints into the world (an anonymous card, etc) or should i have faith that he will get his… just like im confident that i suffer daily whether i acknowledge it or pretend that all is great and peachy wonderful.
did i mention that the man i spoke of above was someone i once labeled my soulmate? oh how deceiving affairs are!
a birthday confession…
Filed under: the affair... | Tags: adultery, affair, birthday, cheating, demons, frustration, infidelity, jealousy, life, love, mistress, other woman, OW, personal, strength, thoughts, wife
Comments (7) ive found in recent weeks ive missed R a bit more than i have. hell, i really havent missed him before now! i was too slighted… to angry. and while i still wouldnt let him back in my life even if he crawled on his hand and knees, there are still some memories that distract me. i know, in the end, he was a total ass and i deserve better. i hate that i miss him from time to time… but i know that i dont miss him more than i do.
i think that i might miss him a bit now a days because my birthday is on the horizon… birthdays are reminders of the years past and what is to come. and they have emotional associations. for example, my last birthday was the last time i really saw my grandfather up and moving. so this makes me a bit sad heading into my first birthday without the grandparent i was closest to.
my “birthday week” (as i like to call and celebrate it) was always a highlight of mine and R’s relationship. i have a lot of great memories from my bday involving R. his wife always went out of town on business around my bday so we got to spend a lot of time together. i slept at his house a few times… he’d make me meals… do sweet things like buy me thoughtful gifts or make me a handmade card. a few years ago, my birthday week was the first time he told me he loved me. while i felt like i wanted to say it many times before my birthday, i refused to be the first to say it. one night we were laying on his couch- totally wrapped up in each other, having great conversation and he blurted it out. one year he even came to a birthday party i had at my parents house. it didnt seem odd because some of our other coworkers were there… and slowly everyone left until it was just us… and we sat together talking. his wife actually flew home that night but he made arrangements to make sure he was with me on my birthday. i cant tell you how much my birthday made me feel important and special. i just wish i knew if all of that was truly real or him just being the manipulator he is.
there have been times that i wish R would have contacted me after our breakup… mainly because i feel like if i heard from him i might know that he actually cared at some point. it might have eased the anger i felt towards him for his lies and manipulations. and i sometimes wish i knew i am missed. it drives me nuts that i miss someone who treated me like crap and it only seems right that he should miss me since i always supported him and treated him better than any other person ive been in a relationship with. so whats my confession? that i actually miss R (for this week) and that im having one of those moments where i wish he would contact me knowing how much i love my birthday.
oh the ghosts of an affair…
lack of competence? or lack of dedication?
Filed under: frustration | Tags: adultery, affair, associations, cheating, frustration, infidelity, lies, life, mistress, other woman, OW, pain, personal, strength, thoughts, wife
Comments (2) so im supposed to close on my house this week. its not going to happen. probably not for a couple more weeks. apparently everyone, besides my realtor, havent been doing their jobs… the loan officer sucks as do the lawyers. ive heard buying a house is always a nightmare… but ive also been told my situation is even worse than one’s general nightmare. this got me thinking about competence… or lack there of. i dont get it… when i go to work every day i put in my all and stay longer if something isnt done that needs to be. im a competent individual. beyond competent, actually. but then i also wonder if it has something to do with dedication as well. in this case, im really the only one dedicated (in the true sense) to the purchase of this house… nobody else involved has 10s of thousands of dollars involved… i have both competence and dedication to this project. so this situation got me thinking about how competence and dedication applied to my affair… well, not so much the affair as much as the downfall.
for those of us who have ever been, or are currently, involved in an affair we know one major rule… you must be very careful about everything. R and i had an affair for 2.5 years with about 3 or so “scares.” for example, we were planning on me going with him on a business trip to DC… and he accidentally left his email open when his son fell and hit his head… while R rushed for a pack of ice his wife found the email talking about what outfit i was going to wear or something. we had “code names” for each other, so my identity wasnt revealed… and thanks to R’s manipulation and his wife’s incredible denial he was able to snowball her into thinking it was the account of his friend that he was “just reading.” the major error in strategy was when R did not delete a text that said “love you, too” which his wife found one fateful october night. thats when all hell broke loose.
now the fact that R did not delete a text would suggestion a lack of competence… but id also like to suggest that competence’s good friend dedication was lacking as well. ive written about it before, but shortly after our affair was exposed a good friend of his contacted me to say that he had no clue that R was seeing me any more (we had broken up once in march and R never told him we got back together). R’s friend was shocked it was me that was involved in the situation because he was under the impression it was one of their co-workers who R had recently started a flirtation with. he would utilize the time he had between the end of his work day and the end of mine to flirt with this girl… and brag about it, too! he also had been out with his coworkers the night our affair was exposed and apparently said girl “just drove him to his car”… just like i had done oh so many times. clearly, R was lacking in the dedication requirement, too. i used to joke with him how my affair with him was the “most monogamous” relationship id been in. that i never wanted to stray from him… and i meant it. and lived by it. R did not. because he was starting to spread himself thin (a wife, a mistress, and a new fling!) R could not dedicate himself to anything… and his competence failed because of it. just like the fact that my mortgage company has SO much on its plate it cant dedicate itself to any closings! and this creates lack in competence!
i am now well aware that for anything to work… from an affair to a house purchase to a “normal marriage” one must be competent… and dedicated for all the pieces to fall in place.
